My Daughters, Extraterrestrial Visitors

I am hiding from my children.

I went to the gym this morning, then  went home, hot a shower, picked up the laptop and came over to Barnes and Noble because that have free wifi and are away from my children.

I love my girls.  I really do.

But sometimes you just have to get away.  Any parent who says otherwise is a liar, or mentally unbalanced to the point where they shouldn't be a parent.

Anyone who tries to guilt a parent into feeling bad about wanting to spend time away from their children is a bad influence, needs a week in a locked room with a hungry howler monkey and should then spend recess writing "I will not tell people what to do with their howler monkeys" 500 times on the blackboard.

Imagine for a moment that Obama breaks into the latest episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" with the important announcement that we have made contact with an extraterrestrial species.  This species does, in fact, come in peace and wishes to learn everything they can about our society.  As part of the treaty, and in exchange for the secret of, I don't know, delicious tasting healthy food, about a third of the households in the country will, at any given time, be host to a visitor who will observe and interact with human beings.  Hosting one or more of these beings in entirely voluntary but it is the responsibility of the host family to teach this creature what it means to be human.

Now imagine that these creatures possess two very important qualities.  The first in physiological.  Instead of arms and hands, the visitors extremities are composed entirely of a mildly adhesive, semi-gelatinous substance.

Their limbs contain no bones or muscles of any kind.  When the creatures spin around, their arms and legs go flying in all directions, as dictated by momentum, involuntarily attaching to whatever objects they happen to encounter, tearing said objects from their rightful place and flinging them into the least convenient spaces available.

The second quality that the visitors posses in language.  We know from extensive study that they will, after years of study, be able to communicate using human language.  When they arrive at the host family home, they speak no English and communicate only in their native tongue, a high-pitched screaming that, when spoken properly, shatters glass and leaves the human ear drum a shredded wreck of anatomy.  The visitors are physically unable to communicate in any other way for the first several years, regardless of how extreme or mundane the situation may be.

In case you were a little slow to pick up the allegory, this is what it is like to parent a toddler.  No parent should ever be made to feel guilty for wanting some time away.  It's nothing personal, toddlers.  It's just that you are Ace Ventura and sometimes, parents just need some double-paned soundproof glass!

Author's Note: This article is crossposted to Life of Dad

My Daughters, The Swingers

We have been trying for weeks to teach Harper how to swing on a swing.  It turns out that trying to explain front/back coordination and timing are not as easy as I think it should be.

I suddenly realize how lucky it is that we don't have to try to teach children how to breathe, or swallow, or blink.

Thank goodness for the autonomic system!

At this point, Brynn couldn't care less! She's very happy sitting in the swing and being pushed for hours.

Literally...

Harper, on the other hand, can be a bit impatient, an unheard of quality in my family.  She, too, wants to be pushed on the swing, but doesn't want to wait her turn.  She hasn't yet mastered the art of swinging, so she managed yesterday to satisfy her needs in other ways.

My daughter is thinking outside the box! I win at parenting!

My Daughter, Disregarding My Feelings

WARNING: The following post contains more information than you want.

Last night, after derby practice, Sara and I brought the cranky, tired bundles of cute who live in our house home and attempted to put them to sleep.  After Brynn was down, Sara lay on the couch with Harper while I washed off the glorious stench of exertion and public humiliation that is the act of wearing sleeveless shirts and flailing about on skates in front of an audience.

Upon completion of my shower, I emerged clean, pleasant smelling and in my underwear.  I sat down on the couch next to my lovely wife and eldest daughter and the following conversation occurred:

Harper: Daddy? Undermeese? (Still haven't figured out how to say "pants")
Me: Yes, baby.  I took a shower and now I'm ready for bed.
H: You have no shirt on?
Me: No, baby.  I'm not wearing a shirt.
H: You put shirt on now?
Me: No, I'm going to bed soon so I'm not putting a shirt on.
H: You put shirt on now.  (no longer a question)
Me: Alright. I'll get a shirt in a bit.
H: Go! Get shirt!


Everyone's a critic!  I can't say she was wrong...

My Daughters, With No Body Issues (Yet)

I have many issues, not the least of which is a terrible body image, stemming from the terrible image made by my body.

Part of it is the fact that I like salads, provided they can easily mistaken for bacon cheeseburgers or nacho platters.  When given the choice of chicken or fish, I almost always choose cheesecake.

Another part of it is the fact that Robin Williams and I are descended from the same gorilla.  For both of us, when we take our shirts off, no one can tell.

I believe that people can be beautiful regardless of how big or small they all.  A fit woman can be a horrible person and that will make her ugly, while an obese woman can carry herself well, be confident and happy, and be the most beautiful person in the world.  Part of this is knowing what you should and should not wear for your body type.

As a direct result of the information I have relayed here, I don't take my shirt off.  Ever.  I am usually tempted to shower with it on!

Nine months out of the year, this works out well for me.  I had to give up my membership to the Polar Bear Club but I didn't mind that too much.

During the summer, however, I live, skirting the razor edge of my psyche between my desire to cool myself in the many bodies of water that spring up like wild mushrooms, and my desire not to spend the night in prison for inflicting my pasty, fur covered torso on legions of innocent children.

Protip: Do not do a Google image search for "pale hairy man" while at work.

This is something I REALLY need to get over so that I can go swimming with my girls.  I want to teach them to swim and to love the water.  So far, they are doing well but Sara can only hold both of them in the pool for so long.

Perhaps, I will continue to invest in kiddie pools...

Although, maybe not!  Maybe I can just fill up the cooler with water...

In any event, it got me thinking about how much we miss out on with our children, and how much they miss, as a result of the crazy issues (mental, physical, dietary, religious, etc.) of the parents.

Oh well.  Back to my regularly scheduled cringing at the messes made by my own kids.

Sweet Jesus!  That had better be chocolate!

My Daughters, Getting Their Chicken Elsewhere

I firmly feel that everyone has the right to believe whatever they want.

If you believe that the world was created in 7 days and that the omnipotent creator of the universe allowed his only son to be sacrificed to redeem the sins of humanity, good for you.

If you believe that a pantheon of gods and goddesses directly oversee many aspects of life on earth, such as seasons, tides, weather, the harvest and death, more power to you!

Dear Gods, were They hot!

If you believe that the universe was sneezed out of the nostril of a giant space goat, I suppose that's just as valid as any other theory.  I'll come back to this.

Chick-fil-A is a restaurant where Sara and I take the kids when we don't want to cook, don't have any left-overs and don't feel like cleaning up.  As far as fast food goes, it's the only place we go and there are several reasons for this, beyond the fact that McDonald's is disgusting.

The stores themselves are very family friendly, offering healthier choices in kids meals, such as apple sauce and white milk.  Most of them have play places to keep children amused and, during the summers, several of the stores have people making balloon animals and doing face painting for children and very short adults.

This company has done many good things that are in line with conservative Christian dogma.  While they are against abortions, they waged a vigorous campaign in favor of supporting adoption.

The company itself run the WinShape Foundation, which runs 11 homes spread throughout the Southeast United States that serve as foster homes for children who are "victims of circumstance and need a secure family environment."

If one were to boil down the teachings of Jesus to a simple idea, it would be to love and support everyone, especially those less fortunate.  This aspect of the WinShape Foundation appears to be a wonderful example of people inspired by the teachings of Christ to do good in the world.  Chick-fil-A should be applauded for this.


Today, I read an article that states that the president of Chick-fil-A, Dan Cathy, told a Baptist web site that his company supports families as long as they are "the biblical definition of the family unit."  This, in spite of the fact that the only "family" picture I could find on their site seems to be a single mother with her son.

Ignoring the idea that, in spite of what Mitt Romney says, companies are not people and cannot support anything, (only the people who run the companies can support things) I find this statement upsetting.

The rest of the WinShape Foundation time is spent on "enrichment retreats to refuel healthy marriages as well as counselling to help strengthen troubled marriages" and offering camps and courses to local young people to teach them the ways of Christ.

I won't go into the fact that Jesus never mentions homosexuality at all in the New Testament, or any of the contradicting rules that lie therein (oops).  If Dan Cathy believes that homosexuals should not be allowed to marry, that allowing such would be shaking our fist at God and "inviting His judgement," then he is more than welcome to hold those beliefs.


If he wishes his company to stand for those values, then he may certainly take it in that direction.

I, however, will not be coming along for the ride.  Neither will my children.

As a parent, I feel a major part of my job is to teach my children about the world, how to survive in it, and how to help others survive.  I know that there is hatred and bigotry in the world.  I know that intolerance exists and will always rear it's ugly head.

Many parents wish to shelter their children from the unpleasantness in the world.  They don't want them to know suffering, or teasing, or hate, or fear.  I think this is foolish and short-sighted.  Rather than shelter my daughters from the awful things in the world, I hope to teach them that such things do exists, and how to cope.

No matter how a person lives their life, they will disliked, ridiculed, teased, taunted and abused.  It is up to us to decide how we deal with adversity.  Will we cower in the corner, shouting anger at the world that mistreated us, or will we stand up for ourselves and live the lives we want to live?

Intolerance makes me sad!

I want my children to know that there are people who are made uncomfortable by, dislike, or even outright hate people who are different than they are.  This is simply a fact of life and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and prejudices.

Because of this, I will also be teaching my children that we do not have to support those who make decisions based on fear and anger.  If Chick-fil-A wishes to oppose gay marriage as a corporate stand, they are allowed to do so.

I will not, however, use my money to support a company that makes decisions based on hatred, bigotry and intolerance.  There are simply too many other places to spend my money.

While I strongly disagree with their stance, I will not scold them for having it.  I will simply make the statement that they have lost me and my family as customers.

Continuing to support their business would be sending the wrong message to my children, whom I wish to grow up as tolerant and loving individuals.

My Daughters, Derby Orphans

Quick!  Read this post before I go under again!  This Stay At Home Dad thing has me a bit out of sorts.

Up to this point, every time I've sat down to right a post, one of three things has happened.
1)  The girls have woken up screaming about how badly they wish me to make them a snack from food items that we don't have.

2) Their quiet play has made me suspicious and I have gone off to find that they have redecorated my front porch with handfuls of birdseed flung about in a manner that would put Jackson Pollack to shame.

We call this piece "Paternal Anuerism!"  It's an installation!

3)  I found a show of mild interest on Netflix or Hulu.

This past Friday was the premier bout for Westco Derby, the roller derby league that Sara joined and I am helping out with.  We were expecting about 200 people to be in attendance to watch how the ladies have progressed over six months of practicing.

It was closer to 700.  We had people in folding chairs, on the bleachers, and sitting on the floor to watch the girls race around and best each other in speed and blocking.  The event was even filmed and will be aired on a local cable channel!  At practice yesterday, we had nine new women who wanted to skate with us and two new men who wanted to ref.

When we began this thing in February, I wasn't sure where it was going to go, but I was very pleased that Sara was a part of it.  Since then, I've become involved as well, helping out wherever I can, manning the booth at the local arts festival, skating with the girls at practice and learning to become a referee.

My wife can kick your wife's butt!  Yes, that's a mohawk!

I adore the people who are involved in it and they seem to like me too, which I find bizarre.

Perhaps it's just my chronic low self-esteem talking, but I find it very odd that I now have a few circles of friends who genuinely like me for who I am.

The bottleneck of my involvement with the league has been, as it is with everything not related to children, children!  We've done what we can to get them involved too.

I am not losing sight of the fact that this is Sara's thing.  I am so proud of her for the progress that she has made in her skating and how much she loves it and the people.  For the most part, we are able to find sitters so that we can both go to practice, but when we can't, I take the kids.  It's much more important that she be there than I.  I recognize and accept that fact.  I don't want to change it and I certainly won't take it from her, no matter what.

But I'll admit that I don't like it.

I love skating, even though I'm about as graceful on wheels as you would imagine I would be.  I'm getting better, but I'm not anything close to good.

I love the group of people involved.  I they are a very positive and supportive group and I know it rubs off on me.  I know that after I've spent time with them, there is a little more sunshine in the world and colors seem a little more vivid.  Having this be something that I share with Sara has brought us closer together and made us stronger as a couple.

This is where I get into how crazy I actually am.

Intellectually, I know that I need to be happy with myself and accept me for who I am not be dependent on others for my happiness.  I'm not someone different when I'm with the derby people.  I'm just a version of myself that I like more.  It could be that, since I do like them so much, I'm on better behavior, not starting fights about religion or politics, and not making fun of anyone's lineage.  I don't feel like I'm putting in any effort to that effect, but it could be that I'm trying to impress them.

It could be that the positive vibes that they exude are so strong that I am much more willing to shrug off the things that I don't like, or would prefer not to think about.

Whatever it is, it's something I need to identify and hold onto with both hands because I need to push away my dark clouds.  No one can do it for me.

School starts again in a few weeks and I may be able to go back to more regular posts then.  As much I would love this blog to be a daily, or semi-weekly, I don't want it to simply be a chronicle of my daily life.

I do promise that I will soon write a more comprehensive post about being a Stay-At-Home-Dad.  This one went a bit off the rails on that front.

My excuses have bored her to sleep.

My Daughters, Tablets From Sinai

As I'm sure you all know, I am a deeply religious man.  I am constantly prostrating myself before the idol of irony, often involuntarily.  I would like to offer up the Commandments by which I attempt to live and parent.  I hope that they will be useful to you in your own spiritual journey through parenthood.

I will also state that I don't follow these nearly as often as I would like because I am a hypocrite and controlled by my emotions.

But I do try.

So, without further ado:

The Ten Commandments of Fatherhood

1) Thou Shall Suspend Thy Sense of Shame

You don't have to do this.  Really.  It's totally cool if your child grows up without imagination and thinking that you think everything they do is stupid.  It's important for kids to learn early that there is no tea in the toy tea pot and that Mr. Huggles doesn't walk around the house, crying, waiting anxiously for the child to get home from day care so that they can play together.  To this end, make sure that you never let your kid watch any animated movies, or really anything that isn't a documentary.  Even then, nothing from the History Channel.  You don't want them thinking about alien contact, or Stonehenge.

Wait...

I think I have that backwards.

DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS!  Creativity and imagination stimulate the brain and will give you smarter, more amazing children!  You spent your life up to this point building up your street cred for the sole purpose of blowing it all to make your kids feel good and be happy!

Why do you care if the 70-year-old in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart thinks that you're crazy because you're making the peanut butter beg your toddler not to eat it?

So what if you're wearing miss-matched socks, one sandal, one rain boot, a fishing hat, a flannel shirt and biking shorts to return some books to the library?  It made your kid happy to pick out your clothes and, to be honest, I've seen your reading list.  When you take those books back, your wardrobe will be the least of your concerns.  (Side note: Checking out Fifty Shades of Gray at the same time as A Brief History of the Whip and anything by Mercer Meyer will get you funny looks no matter what you're wearing.)

2)  Thou Shall Abandon All Plans

They won't get done.  Kids don't care about your schedule.  They are no respecters of quartz-run Swedish time pieces, or atomic clocks.  They REALLY don't care what time the movie starts or when your reservations are for.  On the contrary!  They will save a massive diaper bomb all day in anticipation of your running just slightly late.  They know that your wife will spend an extra three minutes chatting with the babysitter and they plan for it.

At the 2:37 mark, they will unleash a torrent of unpleasantness that would have Andy Dufresne crawling back into his cell.  They also know that your wife will feel terrible leaving this crotch-strapped sack of unholy passive-aggression for the babysitter to deal with (even though that's part of what you pay them for...)

You are left with two options at this point:

1) Lie to everyone!  If the movie starts at 8, tell them it starts at 7:30.  If the reservations are at 7, tell them that the kitchen closes at 6.  Build a buffer into your plans.  A buffer of lies and deceit.

2) Resign yourself to the fact that your carefully planned evening, the first one with your spouse in 4 months, will end up with you eating  take out in your car, parked outside the house of a neighbor who happens to have a particularly large TV near a window.

Your choice!

3) Thou Shall Let It Go

Author's Note: I profoundly suck at following this one.

Things can be repaired, messes can be cleaned, clothes can be refolded.  Pillows can be put back on the sofa and beds can be remade.  Toys can be put back in the toy box.  Flour can be cleaned off of the kitchen floor and Vaseline can be cleaned off of the TV stand (eventually.)

Kids make messes and those can be cleaned up.  Accidents happen.  Deal with it.  If you can't, perhaps you should find a new line of work, like building hermetically sealed boxes.

This leads directly into...

4) Thou Shall Accept Responsibility For Broken Items

If your kids DO break something that cannot be repaired, or cleaned, or is prohibitively expensive to do so, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT!

What were you doing letting her play with a string of heirloom pearls in the first place??  When the kids wake up, move your open coffee or orange juice away from your laptop!  Or better yet, put the laptop away from where they can reach it!

If you have a huge room of toys, your kid will find a hacksaw in the corner and only have eyes for that.  Children are hurricanes!  They start off with a nice refreshing breeze to lull you into a false sense of security, only to wait until you happily sunning yourself on the beach of parenthood.  Then, they bring rain, hail, 200 mph winds and pencils that can fly through telephone poles.

They will wreck havoc on your home, bringing shocking amount of destruction to certain parts while leaving others untouched.  They will level the neighborhoods of Yourstuff, Expensivethings and Itemsofyourchildhood and, miraculously, Toytown and Stuffedanimalville will remain unscathed.

It happens.  If your Faberge egg gets broken, it's your own stupid fault for leaving it where a toddler could get to it.  Take responsibility for broken electronics and family heirlooms with the following phrase: It's my fault, sweetie.  I should not have left that at toddler height.

With that said,...

5) Thou Shall Not Be Afraid To Destroy Thy Home

Kids adore using things for purposes other than what the manufacturer intended.  They want to use spatulas and spoons as catapults and they want to use diapers as hats.  If you can turn a regular household item into something fun, do it!  Worried about the mess?  See Number 3!  You'll have a great time and, more importantly, your kids will be tricked into thinking that you're awesome!

If you spend 10 minutes building a pillow fort and the kids want to knock it down and have you have build it again, YOU DO IT!

6) Thou Shall Abandon Nutritional Ideals

Remember when you were a child in a '50's era  TV drama and came in from playing baseball behind the old McNulty place only to find that mom had, once again, made a dinner you didn't want?

"Gee wiz, ma! Tuna casserole again?"

"Gosh, Tommy! I slaved all day over a hot stove and you'll eat what I put on your plate, or so help me, you're father will hear about this when he gets home!"

"I think it's just the tops, Mrs. K!"

"Thank you, Richie!  You're very polite! Tommy, you could learn a thing of two from this young man!"

Or something like that.

The point is, you'll plan all sorts of ideas for meals and your kids will throw all of it on the floor except the bread.  Balanced meals to a toddler only means that they don't overturn the high chair.  Offer them what you want them to eat, but be prepared for them to scoff at your choices, starting at birth.

"Curse you, mom!  I don't want left-boob!  I'm a right-boob only baby!"

7) Thou Shall Have Flexible Principles

Your kid does not care that you're a vegan.  They want what they want and they don't care about the ethics of farm-raised animals or fair-trade string beans.

I'm not saying that you have to abandon everything you hold dear, but you do need to develop a certain level of flexibility.

Before they were born, I swore I would not let my kids watch TV.  That did not work out so well.  The best I can do now is limit the amount of programming we allow them to see.

CHEESEBURGERS FOR ALL VEGETARIAN BABIES!!!

8) Thou Shall Remember The Age Of Thy Children

If you're trying to argue the merits of bed time with a 2 year old, you're an idiot.  Remember how old your kids are and make sure that you don't have unreasonable expectations of them.  To quote Louis CK, you must ask yourself "WHY? What is to be gained?"

All too often, I find myself asking my daughter why she is throwing food, or biting a doll, or yelling incoherently.

The answer is always the same: Because, dad, I'm 2!  I forget this WAY too often

9) Thou Shall Not Compare Your Children To Other Children

Your kids are amazing!  They are incredible!  If you start down the path of "Bill's kid is two months younger and can already Riverdance!" then you will make yourself nuts.

Don't even compare your kids to your other kids!  So what if one kid walked at 3 months and the other is just sitting there watching American Idol on her 3rd birthday?  Kids develop at different rates and have different milestones.

Besides, my kids are better, smarter, faster and cuter than yours anyway.

10) Thou Shall Chronicle Everything

Take pictures.  Take them by the millions.  Buy extra storage on your iPhone to keep them all.  Buy an external hard drive with 50TB of space and then buy another.  You can always go back and delete bad pictures, or ones that you are in, but you can never go back and take more.  Your kid will only 149 days old once.  They will only have 1 first birthday party.

Take videos.  If your kids is chatting away about unicorns and birdseed, put your camera on the table and tape the whole thing!  Video editing software has made leaps and bounds so that you can always edit out your cousins racist rant later!

You will not be sorry.