August 7, 2012

My Daughters, Extraterrestrial Visitors

I am hiding from my children.

I went to the gym this morning, then  went home, hot a shower, picked up the laptop and came over to Barnes and Noble because that have free wifi and are away from my children.

I love my girls.  I really do.

But sometimes you just have to get away.  Any parent who says otherwise is a liar, or mentally unbalanced to the point where they shouldn't be a parent.

Anyone who tries to guilt a parent into feeling bad about wanting to spend time away from their children is a bad influence, needs a week in a locked room with a hungry howler monkey and should then spend recess writing "I will not tell people what to do with their howler monkeys" 500 times on the blackboard.

Imagine for a moment that Obama breaks into the latest episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" with the important announcement that we have made contact with an extraterrestrial species.  This species does, in fact, come in peace and wishes to learn everything they can about our society.  As part of the treaty, and in exchange for the secret of, I don't know, delicious tasting healthy food, about a third of the households in the country will, at any given time, be host to a visitor who will observe and interact with human beings.  Hosting one or more of these beings in entirely voluntary but it is the responsibility of the host family to teach this creature what it means to be human.

Now imagine that these creatures possess two very important qualities.  The first in physiological.  Instead of arms and hands, the visitors extremities are composed entirely of a mildly adhesive, semi-gelatinous substance.

Their limbs contain no bones or muscles of any kind.  When the creatures spin around, their arms and legs go flying in all directions, as dictated by momentum, involuntarily attaching to whatever objects they happen to encounter, tearing said objects from their rightful place and flinging them into the least convenient spaces available.

The second quality that the visitors posses in language.  We know from extensive study that they will, after years of study, be able to communicate using human language.  When they arrive at the host family home, they speak no English and communicate only in their native tongue, a high-pitched screaming that, when spoken properly, shatters glass and leaves the human ear drum a shredded wreck of anatomy.  The visitors are physically unable to communicate in any other way for the first several years, regardless of how extreme or mundane the situation may be.

In case you were a little slow to pick up the allegory, this is what it is like to parent a toddler.  No parent should ever be made to feel guilty for wanting some time away.  It's nothing personal, toddlers.  It's just that you are Ace Ventura and sometimes, parents just need some double-paned soundproof glass!

Author's Note: This article is crossposted to Life of Dad



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