December 31, 2011

My Daughters, With New Years Resolutions!

I often worry about how I will teach the girls that it is better to give than to receive.  We live in an increasingly materialistic society where everyone seems to only do things for personal gain.  I know that if I want my children to learn generosity, I must lead by example.  In that vein, I have decided that instead of giving myself New Years Resolutions, I would be selfless and give them to other people!  Generosity is important!

So, without further ado, New Years Resolutions for other people!

In 2012, Harper resolves to do the following things:
Enunciate her needs without foot stamping
Minimize the number of times she pees through her pajamas in one night
Learn that her sister needs slightly more support when being picked up by the arms
Learn coordinate geometry
Dance more
Discover that not everything needs chocolate chips
Learn that the words "pants" is not pronounced "meese"
Not teach her sister to be as destructive as she is
Win full scholarship to college in precocious toddler contest
Remain out of the dating scene (That blond kid at day care better back the hell off!  Share his animal crackers, I don't think so!)

In 2012, Brynn resolves to do the following things:
Sleep through the night
Not cry hysterically when minor things go wrong
Sleep through the night
Daintily pick up soft foods and roughly pick up solid foods, instead of the reverse
Minimize the number of times that she falls down the stairs or off the bed
Sleep through the night
Grow more teeth
Win full scholarship to college in adorable baby contest
Remain out of the dating scene (A recurring theme)

In 2012, Sara resolves to do the following things:
Remain best wife ever
Continue not finding reasons to leave me
Continue being the responsible adult in the household
Remain best mother ever
Dump all of her supermodel boyfriends for her dumpy, lazy husband
Teach more dances to Harper
Teach some dances to Brynn when she can walk
Promote this blog to everyone

In 2012, my parents resolve to do the following things:
Visit more
Attach the adorable pictures of my children to all outgoing e-mails and text messages
Pledge to babysit for weeks on end so Sara and I can go globetrotting

In 2012, my students resolve to do the following things:

In 2012, my great-uncle whom I have never met or heard of resolves to do the following things:
Leave me a vast fortune and estates in England, Ireland, Scotland and the Maldives

In 2012, Ireland resolves to do the following things:
Discover how amazing Sara and I are
Give us a free vacation to visit

Man!  Coming up with resolutions for other people is so much easier than doing it for myself!  I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner!

December 25, 2011

My Daughters, The Musically Deprived

I was in choir for most of my academic career.  I started singing in 3rd grade.  In 6th grade, I played Fagan in my schools production of Oliver.  I had solos in chorus in 7th and 8th grade.  When I got to high school, I joined Honors Choir and was in the school musicals as understudy for the lead for 2 years.  All of this is a long way to state that I have spent much of my life singing.

I have had many songs in many languages spill forth from my gaping maw.  This not only includes songs that were written by various famous song-writers, but also show tunes, TV-theme songs, as well as songs that I've made up on the spot.

It is because of these facts that I find it terribly confusing that when I rock Harper to sleep at night, I am only able to conjure three songs into my mind that contain enough lyrics to be able to sing.

These songs are, in no particular order:
You Are My Sunshine
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
What A Wonderful World

Why these three?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!  I want to sing songs by Guster, Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Frank Sinatra, Alison Krause, Johnny Cash, and many, many more!

Where are all the songs that I know?  Why do they run screaming from my head the minute that I turn the light off, turn on the twilight turtle and humidifier and sit in the rocker?  My various choir directors would be so ashamed of me, and deservedly so!

I want to sing to my girls.  They want me to sing to them.  I need to remember more songs.

I need to remember songs that are not theme songs to Thomas the Tank Engine or Caillou...

Please leave comments with good sleepy time songs that I could sing as well as a complete list of lyrics.

Here's a nice picture.

December 23, 2011

My Daughters, Who Have Everything

I should have written this post weeks ago, but as stated before, I don't always complete the tasks I set for myself.  Perhaps that's why I writing this while sitting with a plate of cookies instead of working out.

In any event, the holiday season is upon us.  This means, of course, that everyone on the planet is struggling to empty their pockets to provide wonderful gifts for my children.

I heard an amazing report on NPR about a grandfather who decided that his grandchildren had enough toys and games and what he really should get them should be something else.  He decided on livestock.  Through Heifer International, he donated livestock in the names of his grandchildren to needy people in third-world countries.  I think this is a wonderful idea.

Another story was about how rather than objects, a man gave his grandchildren experiences.  He took them on a helicopter ride, booked a hotel that faced fireworks on the 4th of July and took them to all of the places in the local city that they had never seen.  His thought was that after he was dead and gone, the toys and games would be too, but the experiences could never be removed.

My students have been asking me what I'm getting for my kids and when I tell them "nothing" they sneer at me and call me a bad parent.  On truth, Sara and I did get Harper a gift, but it's nothing huge.  My thought is that at 2-years and 10-months, the girls don't have any concept of the season or what it means to get gifts.  Also, we buy them things often enough that this isn't really any different.

When family asks what they should get the girls, I've been trying to keep in mind the phrase "They need to go to college some day."

They have quite a large number of toys and clothes.

What would be really useful ...

What the girls would REALLY love...

Would be a European tour package for their parents.

December 15, 2011

My Daughters, The Patients

I have mixed feelings about the doctors office.

On one hand, I appreciate that there is a medical expert with whom I can consult when the medical issues of my children are beyond "put a band-aid on it."

On the other hand, my deep-seeded cynicism leads me to question any diagnosis as mumbo-jumbo and voodoo.

Doctor: "That abrasion is frequently indicative of a sub-dermal hemotoma.  You'll need to remain prostrate until the ventricles have retracted."
Me: "...none of those are real words.""

It upsets my wife that I don't get sick.  Does that seem like she wishes me ill?  Perhaps I should rephrase.

My immune system is composed entirely of grizzly bears who fight off infection with chainsaws and flamethrowers.  As a result, I don't often get sick.  When I do, I fall squarely in the camp of "Sleep on it and it will be better" and since I've been concussion-free since '93, this is a good tactic.  Sadly, I've been trying my best to project my medical philosophy onto my children.  For the most part it works fine.  I do, however, find myself at the doctors office more often than I would like.

The girls have both had runny noses for a few days.  My own thoughts were "The weather is changing, they have colds."  Sara made an appointment for them last night.

I HATE taking the girls to the doctor.  I will take one, but taking both sets my stress level to DEFCON 2.  The last time we were there was for Harper's 2-year check up where the doctor told us not to let her watch too much TV.  I want to take this opportunity to point out that, in the waiting room of this office, there are four televisions and no toys.

Since children in general are pestilential filth carriers, and a doctors office is tantamount to a plague ship, I can understand not wanting sick children to spread their diseases all over fun objects, sharing not only the fun, but also the illness.  This is, however, the first doctors office that I have seen that has NOTHING for children to do but sit and watch TV.

Just inside the door, however, there is a giant bowl of lollypops, just waiting for over-eager 2 year-olds to scream about how badly they want them.  We get called out of the waiting room where I am asked, while holding a baby carrier, a baby snack, a toddler snack, a bottle, a juice cup, a baby and a roaming toddler, to put them on the scale one at a time and please keep them from running into other patient rooms.  The juice cup really has to be watched.  That jerk wanders!

We finally get into the room and Harper wants to drag the chair over to the sink and spray water all over the floor.  Brynn wants to be put down, but knowing what MY kids put on the floor, I don't want her crawling there.  I put her on the table and she immediately tries to climb off, or at least dangerously close to the sloped edges.  By this point, Harper has moved the chair again and has managed to twist the top off of the lighted devices for looking in her ears and eyes.  She wants to examine the unwilling throat of her sister by trying to hold her down and shoving the device into her face.  At some point between breakfast and lunch the next day, the doctor finally arrives and the following conversation ensues:

Doctor: "Hello.  What brings you in today?"
Me: "I don't know.  My wife made the appointment."
Doctor: "Alright.  What did she make the appointment for?"
Me: "I don't know.  We didn't get that far in the conversation."
Doctor: "What symptoms are they experiencing?"
Me: "I think they have colds.  My wife thinks they have something that can only be contracted from monkeys in southeast Asia."
Doctor: "Have the kids been to southeast Asia?"
Me: "We were there for lunch yesterday, but they weren't bitten by any indigenous wildlife."
Doctor: "You're very funny.  What do you say we get out of here and go somewhere to blow off some steam?"
Me: "That sounds great.  The kids can walk home."

That's only if the doctor is one of the hot lady docs at the practice.  If it's one of the men, it goes more like this:

Doctor: "Hello.  What brings you in today?"
Me: "I don't know.  My wife made the appointment."
Doctor: "Alright.  What did she make the appointment for?"
Me: "I don't know.  We didn't get that far in the conversation."
Doctor: "You are a terrible father.  I will be calling child protective services as soon as you leave."

For some reason, I find the male doctors to be slightly condescending.

"Why are we here so often, dad?"
"Either to flirt with the hot lady doctors, or to be reminded what an awful parent I am."

I am proud man, but I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.  This particular trip, Sara was very much in the right.  For the stress that I endured on last nights visit, we were given a diagnosis of three ear infections and pink eye.

Needless to say, I was not as unhappy to go to work today as I normally am.

Alright, maybe my feelings about the doctors office aren't so much mixed as much as skewed drastically to one side.



Related Posts with Thumbnails