My Daughters, With New Years Resolutions!

I often worry about how I will teach the girls that it is better to give than to receive.  We live in an increasingly materialistic society where everyone seems to only do things for personal gain.  I know that if I want my children to learn generosity, I must lead by example.  In that vein, I have decided that instead of giving myself New Years Resolutions, I would be selfless and give them to other people!  Generosity is important!

So, without further ado, New Years Resolutions for other people!

In 2012, Harper resolves to do the following things:
Enunciate her needs without foot stamping
Minimize the number of times she pees through her pajamas in one night
Learn that her sister needs slightly more support when being picked up by the arms
Learn coordinate geometry
Dance more
Discover that not everything needs chocolate chips
Learn that the words "pants" is not pronounced "meese"
Not teach her sister to be as destructive as she is
Win full scholarship to college in precocious toddler contest
Remain out of the dating scene (That blond kid at day care better back the hell off!  Share his animal crackers, I don't think so!)

In 2012, Brynn resolves to do the following things:
Sleep through the night
Not cry hysterically when minor things go wrong
Sleep through the night
Daintily pick up soft foods and roughly pick up solid foods, instead of the reverse
Minimize the number of times that she falls down the stairs or off the bed
Sleep through the night
Grow more teeth
Win full scholarship to college in adorable baby contest
Remain out of the dating scene (A recurring theme)

In 2012, Sara resolves to do the following things:
Remain best wife ever
Continue not finding reasons to leave me
Continue being the responsible adult in the household
Remain best mother ever
Dump all of her supermodel boyfriends for her dumpy, lazy husband
Teach more dances to Harper
Teach some dances to Brynn when she can walk
Promote this blog to everyone

In 2012, my parents resolve to do the following things:
Visit more
Attach the adorable pictures of my children to all outgoing e-mails and text messages
Pledge to babysit for weeks on end so Sara and I can go globetrotting

In 2012, my students resolve to do the following things:
Homework

In 2012, my great-uncle whom I have never met or heard of resolves to do the following things:
Die
Leave me a vast fortune and estates in England, Ireland, Scotland and the Maldives

In 2012, Ireland resolves to do the following things:
Discover how amazing Sara and I are
Give us a free vacation to visit


Man!  Coming up with resolutions for other people is so much easier than doing it for myself!  I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner!

My Daughters, The Musically Deprived

I was in choir for most of my academic career.  I started singing in 3rd grade.  In 6th grade, I played Fagan in my schools production of Oliver.  I had solos in chorus in 7th and 8th grade.  When I got to high school, I joined Honors Choir and was in the school musicals as understudy for the lead for 2 years.  All of this is a long way to state that I have spent much of my life singing.

I have had many songs in many languages spill forth from my gaping maw.  This not only includes songs that were written by various famous song-writers, but also show tunes, TV-theme songs, as well as songs that I've made up on the spot.

It is because of these facts that I find it terribly confusing that when I rock Harper to sleep at night, I am only able to conjure three songs into my mind that contain enough lyrics to be able to sing.

These songs are, in no particular order:
You Are My Sunshine
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
What A Wonderful World

Why these three?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!  I want to sing songs by Guster, Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Frank Sinatra, Alison Krause, Johnny Cash, and many, many more!

Where are all the songs that I know?  Why do they run screaming from my head the minute that I turn the light off, turn on the twilight turtle and humidifier and sit in the rocker?  My various choir directors would be so ashamed of me, and deservedly so!

I want to sing to my girls.  They want me to sing to them.  I need to remember more songs.

I need to remember songs that are not theme songs to Thomas the Tank Engine or Caillou...

Please leave comments with good sleepy time songs that I could sing as well as a complete list of lyrics.

Here's a nice picture.

My Daughters, Who Have Everything

I should have written this post weeks ago, but as stated before, I don't always complete the tasks I set for myself.  Perhaps that's why I writing this while sitting with a plate of cookies instead of working out.

In any event, the holiday season is upon us.  This means, of course, that everyone on the planet is struggling to empty their pockets to provide wonderful gifts for my children.

I heard an amazing report on NPR about a grandfather who decided that his grandchildren had enough toys and games and what he really should get them should be something else.  He decided on livestock.  Through Heifer International, he donated livestock in the names of his grandchildren to needy people in third-world countries.  I think this is a wonderful idea.

Another story was about how rather than objects, a man gave his grandchildren experiences.  He took them on a helicopter ride, booked a hotel that faced fireworks on the 4th of July and took them to all of the places in the local city that they had never seen.  His thought was that after he was dead and gone, the toys and games would be too, but the experiences could never be removed.

My students have been asking me what I'm getting for my kids and when I tell them "nothing" they sneer at me and call me a bad parent.  On truth, Sara and I did get Harper a gift, but it's nothing huge.  My thought is that at 2-years and 10-months, the girls don't have any concept of the season or what it means to get gifts.  Also, we buy them things often enough that this isn't really any different.

When family asks what they should get the girls, I've been trying to keep in mind the phrase "They need to go to college some day."

They have quite a large number of toys and clothes.

What would be really useful ...

What the girls would REALLY love...


Would be a European tour package for their parents.

My Daughters, The Patients

I have mixed feelings about the doctors office.

On one hand, I appreciate that there is a medical expert with whom I can consult when the medical issues of my children are beyond "put a band-aid on it."

On the other hand, my deep-seeded cynicism leads me to question any diagnosis as mumbo-jumbo and voodoo.

Doctor: "That abrasion is frequently indicative of a sub-dermal hemotoma.  You'll need to remain prostrate until the ventricles have retracted."
Me: "...none of those are real words.""

It upsets my wife that I don't get sick.  Does that seem like she wishes me ill?  Perhaps I should rephrase.

My immune system is composed entirely of grizzly bears who fight off infection with chainsaws and flamethrowers.  As a result, I don't often get sick.  When I do, I fall squarely in the camp of "Sleep on it and it will be better" and since I've been concussion-free since '93, this is a good tactic.  Sadly, I've been trying my best to project my medical philosophy onto my children.  For the most part it works fine.  I do, however, find myself at the doctors office more often than I would like.

The girls have both had runny noses for a few days.  My own thoughts were "The weather is changing, they have colds."  Sara made an appointment for them last night.

I HATE taking the girls to the doctor.  I will take one, but taking both sets my stress level to DEFCON 2.  The last time we were there was for Harper's 2-year check up where the doctor told us not to let her watch too much TV.  I want to take this opportunity to point out that, in the waiting room of this office, there are four televisions and no toys.

Since children in general are pestilential filth carriers, and a doctors office is tantamount to a plague ship, I can understand not wanting sick children to spread their diseases all over fun objects, sharing not only the fun, but also the illness.  This is, however, the first doctors office that I have seen that has NOTHING for children to do but sit and watch TV.

Just inside the door, however, there is a giant bowl of lollypops, just waiting for over-eager 2 year-olds to scream about how badly they want them.  We get called out of the waiting room where I am asked, while holding a baby carrier, a baby snack, a toddler snack, a bottle, a juice cup, a baby and a roaming toddler, to put them on the scale one at a time and please keep them from running into other patient rooms.  The juice cup really has to be watched.  That jerk wanders!

We finally get into the room and Harper wants to drag the chair over to the sink and spray water all over the floor.  Brynn wants to be put down, but knowing what MY kids put on the floor, I don't want her crawling there.  I put her on the table and she immediately tries to climb off, or at least dangerously close to the sloped edges.  By this point, Harper has moved the chair again and has managed to twist the top off of the lighted devices for looking in her ears and eyes.  She wants to examine the unwilling throat of her sister by trying to hold her down and shoving the device into her face.  At some point between breakfast and lunch the next day, the doctor finally arrives and the following conversation ensues:

Doctor: "Hello.  What brings you in today?"
Me: "I don't know.  My wife made the appointment."
Doctor: "Alright.  What did she make the appointment for?"
Me: "I don't know.  We didn't get that far in the conversation."
Doctor: "What symptoms are they experiencing?"
Me: "I think they have colds.  My wife thinks they have something that can only be contracted from monkeys in southeast Asia."
Doctor: "Have the kids been to southeast Asia?"
Me: "We were there for lunch yesterday, but they weren't bitten by any indigenous wildlife."
Doctor: "You're very funny.  What do you say we get out of here and go somewhere to blow off some steam?"
Me: "That sounds great.  The kids can walk home."


That's only if the doctor is one of the hot lady docs at the practice.  If it's one of the men, it goes more like this:

Doctor: "Hello.  What brings you in today?"
Me: "I don't know.  My wife made the appointment."
Doctor: "Alright.  What did she make the appointment for?"
Me: "I don't know.  We didn't get that far in the conversation."
Doctor: "You are a terrible father.  I will be calling child protective services as soon as you leave."


For some reason, I find the male doctors to be slightly condescending.

"Why are we here so often, dad?"

"Either to flirt with the hot lady doctors, or to be reminded what an awful parent I am."

I am proud man, but I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.  This particular trip, Sara was very much in the right.  For the stress that I endured on last nights visit, we were given a diagnosis of three ear infections and pink eye.

Needless to say, I was not as unhappy to go to work today as I normally am.

Alright, maybe my feelings about the doctors office aren't so much mixed as much as skewed drastically to one side.

My Daughter, The Insomniac

Pro-tip for a happy relationship: Buy a couch that is comfy enough to sleep on.

Because you will need to sleep on it.



Brynn has not been sleeping well lately.  Part of it is not feeling well, part of it is teeth, part of it is that I think she hates us.  Or loves us too much.  Hard to tell.

Lately, any time we've put her own, she starts screaming.  This includes night time.  At night, we've been able to let her cry herself out and she'll fall asleep, for a while.

Last night, at midnight, she started up again and would not stop moving long enough to fall back asleep.  It was that kind that all parents know where you turn to your lovely, wonderful child, and in your most sweet and elegant voice say "If you would just stop @%$#ing your arms around, you would fall asleep!"

Sara and I decided that we had to vacate the room.

We BOTH slept on the couch last night.


Luckily for everyone involved, I woke up about 10 minutes before my alarm would have gone off and started the whole thing again.

Hence, why I'm typing a blog entry at 5:28 am.


Merry Christmas to all, and to all a sound proofed room in which to stick your 9-month-old.

My Daughters Are Thankful for Chocolate Chips and People Small Enough That They Can Bite Their Heads

Thanksgiving and elections have a lot in common.

Well, one thing at least that I can think of.

I often feel, when someone asks me what I'm thankful for, that I am suddenly running for office.  It's hard to tell if they want the truth, or if they want something to make them feel warm and fuzzy inside: the verbal equivalent of being wrapped in a warm blanket with hot cocoa in front of a fire with a snow gently falling on the silent world around us.

Other than the occasional misanthrope, I am willing to bet that everyone you asked or will ask this week what they are thankful for will reply with the following, or some variation thereof:
My family
Good health
Being employed

When a politician is asked about the economy, Republicans will almost always say "no more taxes" while the Democrats will say "the rich need to pay more taxes."

While all of these responses may be true, they are predictable and boring.  If, somehow, we don't say those things, we are looked at in horror and disgust.

"What are you thankful for, Justin?"
"I'm thankful that Han shot first and was a better shot than Greedo."
"...Is that all you have to say?  What about being thankful that your family is healthy?  What about being thankful that you have a job?  Are you some kind of monster?  I'm thankful that I don't have to spend any more time with a callous, heartless, misanthrope like yourself. Good day to you, sir."
"I'm also thankful that this conversation is over."

So, aside from the typical stuff, here are some things that I am thankful for:

I am thankful that I made it to Thanksgiving without assaulting any of my students enough to be reported.

I am thankful that Seabase, the children's play area that looks like an acre-sized McDonalds' PlayPlace allows adults to accompany children on the apparatus.

I am thankful that more and more people are getting into Doctor Who.  Seriously, the show is excellent.

I am thankful that I liked A Song of Ice and Fire before it was a popular TV show. (Haughtily adjusts homemade hipsters glasses)

I am thankful for this amazing pumpkin dip I made.  Thanks, me!  You're great!  I appreciate your noticing that, me.  Of course!  Any time!

I am thankful for streaming Netflix, although not as thankful as I would be if they had the Muppet movies.

I am thankful for the expanding, hardening foam that helped me to stop the leak in my basement.

I am thankful to PNC for sending me an e-mail when I have money in my account again.

I am thankful to the Republican party for the candidates that it has put forth for President.  This has truly been a magical season so far.  (Take from that what you will)

I am thankful for Spotify allowing me to listen to whatever music I want!

I am thankful to Justin Beiber for not being in or near my house.



Happy Thanksgiving.

You are thankful for two posts in one day!


You are so welcome!

My Daughters, The Soon-To-Be-Nudists

I am fascinated by the concept of clothing design.  I am most certainly a man who believes in function over form, hence why I dress for comfort rather than to impress.

I have several friends who are clothing designers and they believe in the opposite.  The clothing that they make is weird, and crazy and amazing and wonderful and nothing I would ever wear.  It's mostly latex, spandex and feathers.

I almost hate to go shopping for clothes because of the variety.  I don't want to try on 15 pairs of pants just to find the one that has the cut that properly accents the non-existent nature of my butt.  I have too much everything else, and no butt.

Obviously, I do not have a degree in clothing design.  I view clothing from the practical side.  It is because of this, that I have come to a very important conclusion: The only qualification necessary to be a popular designer of children's clothes is that you must never have had to dress a child.

I don't want to get into the fashion of color schemes or picture themes just yet.  I am speaking merely about the physical construction of baby clothes.  By the time the child gets to the age of two, it's not really a big deal because they understand the concept of "Hold still for one second!"  Harper is not really a problem.

Brynn, however, simply lacks the capacity to sit still long enough to allow herself to be dressed.  My mother experienced this a few weeks ago while attempting to change the little squirmer and, understandably, gave up.  To change this child's diaper and get her dressed takes dedication and patience known only to the Dalai Lama.

If I were a highly paid clothing designer, creating marvelous pieces of under- and outer-wear for children under the age of two, I might include a very wide variety of colors and patterns.  I might have animals and rocket ships and hamburgers and hearts and construction equipment and music notes and Lego's all over the outfits.  I would have shorts and long pants and sweaters and t-shirts and onesies and full body outfits and hats and socks.

What I would NOT have, at least not in any functional capacity, would be snaps or buttons.

We have this outfit and it is adorable!  Harper looked great in it and now Brynn looks great in it.

It has 12 snaps.  WHY??  What baby will sit still long enough to button 12 snaps??  The legs flail and kick and pop button number 3 open just as you get number 6 closed!

Strategy: Pre-snap the legs, slipping baby legs in, then snapping up the middle.
Strategy: Put arms in first, so no matter what, baby can not escape, can only mess up the snapping of everything else.

I imagine that in designing baby clothes, items should be considered in the following order:
1) Safety
2) Ease of Changing Diaper
3) Style

In several outfits we own, the first two are completely disregarded.  Brynn has one outfit that, in order to change her diaper, must be completely removed with the exception of the snap holding it around her neck.

We have another that, when she crawls, her legs come out of the pants and her knees, tugging on the stomach area of the outfit cause the outfit to pull her head slowly to the ground until she is eventually trying to dig a trough in our carpet with her skull.

For the love all that is good and decent!  Why aren't all baby clothes made with zippers??


Also, it appears that someone in the future has heard my plea and sent an amazing invention back in time.  They missed the mark though.  We needed this two years ago!