November 24, 2011

My Daughters, The Soon-To-Be-Nudists

I am fascinated by the concept of clothing design.  I am most certainly a man who believes in function over form, hence why I dress for comfort rather than to impress.

I have several friends who are clothing designers and they believe in the opposite.  The clothing that they make is weird, and crazy and amazing and wonderful and nothing I would ever wear.  It's mostly latex, spandex and feathers.

I almost hate to go shopping for clothes because of the variety.  I don't want to try on 15 pairs of pants just to find the one that has the cut that properly accents the non-existent nature of my butt.  I have too much everything else, and no butt.

Obviously, I do not have a degree in clothing design.  I view clothing from the practical side.  It is because of this, that I have come to a very important conclusion: The only qualification necessary to be a popular designer of children's clothes is that you must never have had to dress a child.

I don't want to get into the fashion of color schemes or picture themes just yet.  I am speaking merely about the physical construction of baby clothes.  By the time the child gets to the age of two, it's not really a big deal because they understand the concept of "Hold still for one second!"  Harper is not really a problem.

Brynn, however, simply lacks the capacity to sit still long enough to allow herself to be dressed.  My mother experienced this a few weeks ago while attempting to change the little squirmer and, understandably, gave up.  To change this child's diaper and get her dressed takes dedication and patience known only to the Dalai Lama.

If I were a highly paid clothing designer, creating marvelous pieces of under- and outer-wear for children under the age of two, I might include a very wide variety of colors and patterns.  I might have animals and rocket ships and hamburgers and hearts and construction equipment and music notes and Lego's all over the outfits.  I would have shorts and long pants and sweaters and t-shirts and onesies and full body outfits and hats and socks.

What I would NOT have, at least not in any functional capacity, would be snaps or buttons.

We have this outfit and it is adorable!  Harper looked great in it and now Brynn looks great in it.

It has 12 snaps.  WHY??  What baby will sit still long enough to button 12 snaps??  The legs flail and kick and pop button number 3 open just as you get number 6 closed!

Strategy: Pre-snap the legs, slipping baby legs in, then snapping up the middle.
Strategy: Put arms in first, so no matter what, baby can not escape, can only mess up the snapping of everything else.

I imagine that in designing baby clothes, items should be considered in the following order:
1) Safety
2) Ease of Changing Diaper
3) Style

In several outfits we own, the first two are completely disregarded.  Brynn has one outfit that, in order to change her diaper, must be completely removed with the exception of the snap holding it around her neck.

We have another that, when she crawls, her legs come out of the pants and her knees, tugging on the stomach area of the outfit cause the outfit to pull her head slowly to the ground until she is eventually trying to dig a trough in our carpet with her skull.

For the love all that is good and decent!  Why aren't all baby clothes made with zippers??

Also, it appears that someone in the future has heard my plea and sent an amazing invention back in time.  They missed the mark though.  We needed this two years ago!



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