April 18, 2012

My Daughters, Killing My Health By Sleeping

I know that I have written many times about how my life has changed since having children.  Many of the aspects were anticipated.

I knew I was going to start changing diapers.

I knew I was going to have to be more careful with where I placed delicate/poisonous objects.

I knew I was going to have to stop cursing so much around the house.  Although, since my ulterior motive to parenting is to eventually have a crew for a pirate ship that will sail the tropical oceans of the world under the banner of Captain Dadbeard, pillaging and plundering smaller merchant vessels, this wasn't as important.

Practicing for her role in the Crow's Nest

I knew that when the girls starting walking and grabbing for objects to maintain their balance, I was going to have to start wearing underpants.

I knew my eating habits were going to change.

When you have a newborn, you eat whenever you can.  There is always something to do that involves keeping the child alive and, occasionally, you end up skipping regular meals.  You grab a sandwich at 3 am in between feeding and changing.  You change the crib sheets and do laundry with a granola bar half in, half out of your mouth.  You wonder why your clean laundry always gives you the sense of backpacking through the Rockies and itches just slightly...

All of this is anticipated.  Almost no one is surprised by it because everyone tells you that it's going to happen.

As the kids grow, you try to get them on a regular eating schedule.  In our house, it goes like this: (Note: times are ranges, not durations)

7-9: Breakfast (depending on who needs to get to work and when)
11-1: Lunch (depending on when certain little ones go down for, or wake up from, naps)
2-4: Snack (depending on activity level and lunch time)
5-7: Dinner (depending on volume of hunger screams and when we get home from work)

In general, we try keep the feedings in smaller portions and about 3-4 hours apart.  We also make sure that the meals we offer are well rounded and healthy with things like icepops and fruit snacks and juice thrown in on VERY rare occasions.

Recently, however, I've noticed that MY eating habits, during the week at least, have taken an unexpected turn.  When making breakfast or lunch for myself, I no longer consider factors like health, convenience or quantity.

I make my breakfast and lunch with only one thing in mind: volume.

I don't mean the mathematical definition of volume about how much space my meals take up.

I mean the amount of noise that is made while preparing said meals.
Not in my house, you noisy kid!
A few months ago, we finally moved Brynn out of our bedroom, but she wasn't sleeping through the night well enough to put her in Harper's room.  The compromise was to put her in a little alcove all of the living room.  This means that she is 20 feet from the kitchen.

As I have stated before, I like to keep a schedule.  I like need to be on time very early.

A small child waking up and needing attention 3 minutes before I have to walk out the door, is not conducive to my chronological well-being.  So, I make my breakfast and lunch as quietly as I possibly can.

As I have also stated before, I am a lazy man.  As a direct result of this, I go for the quiet items that are the easiest to put together.  For breakfast, I usually have whatever leftovers I don't have to microwave and, if we have it, some quiet fruit, like a banana.  Never an apple.  Those crunches are LOUD!

I don't eat cereal because the possibility of the metal spoon clinking on the glass bowl...

I don't make eggs because the cracking of the eggs...

I don't eat leftover pizza because it's stored in tin foil...

You get the picture.

Here are some things I've taken for lunch:
Leftover pizza: 6 slices (They were all in the same tin foil wrapper)
Yogurt and an apple
5 Brussels sprouts and 1.5 chicken sausages (all in the same container)
Turkey and cheese wrap, no mustard (the squirting...)

"Yar!! I gave meself scurvy trying not to wake me crew!" -Captain Dadbeard

Have I mentioned I'm insane?

I do look forward to the days when I can take a healthy well-rounded lunch to work again, after eating a healthy well-rounded breakfast.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "What the hell is wrong with you?  Why don't you make your lunch the day before and then it will be ready in the morning?"

That would take planning ahead, a skill which I only have when it comes to time.

My mother has frequently said that if I put half as much effort into doing work as I do to avoiding it, I could be a millionaire star-ship captain hero.

I added that last part.
I'm a space explorer!  And by "space," I mean "crisper drawer!"



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