We took Harper with us to the viewing and service on Saturday. She was amazingly well behaved, barely fussing and making no big deal at the incredible number of people who wanted to coo loudly in her face. Sara's mom spent a lot of time holding her, which I think was mostly for comfort. Other than that, Sara and I passed her back and forth most of the day. At one point, I locked myself in the women's bathroom to change her because they had a large counter and the men's room did not. I found out afterwards that around the corner, there was a family bathroom complete with changing table and diaper pail. "You want to date WHO?? How can you do this to me! I locked myself in the women's bathroom for you!!" That conversation will go well in 15 years...
Harper is doing extremely well. She has a rough weekend, what with the interaction of so many people at once, but my mom came to visit and that really helped out. She's holding herself up further and for longer period of time (Harper, not my mom.)
"Who is this creepy guy next to me??"
She had a doctor's appointment on Monday at which they told Sara that our beautiful little baby is in the 65% range for length and weighs 10lbs 11oz. Her motor functions are good, she's interacting with people, responding to cues and following people with her eyes. I noticed at the funeral home that once when Sara was holding her, Harper looked at me from across the room and followed me as I moved. She's making more intentional sounds now. While she hasn't slept through the night, she's getting very close. We put her down between 8 and 10 and she sleeps until about 4, then goes back to sleep until about 8. During the last week or so, I've been getting up and playing with her before I go to work. It's a wonderful time for me.
Work: sigh. Having this amazing baby at home has made going to work even more difficult than it was before. I am constantly thinking about Harper and wondering what she's doing while I'm walking the halls, telling students to get back to where they are supposed to be. Every time a student is rude or disrespectful or tells me to "get out of his face" when I am a good 5 feet away, I struggle with the thought "I don't need this crap! I have a beautiful baby waiting at home who loves and wants nothing more than to be comfy and played with." Of course, then two other thoughts come crashing in. The first is that at some point, my beautiful baby will be a teenager with an attitude, although I hope I can instill some values of courtesy and respect before that happens. The second is that if I wasn't putting up with this crap, I wouldn't be able to put a roof over the head of said beautiful baby.
Every day at work brings different challenges and surprises. There are dull moments, but every day holds something slightly different than the day before. I am constantly amazed at classroom dynamics, how the addition or subtraction of one student from a room can drastically change the way that room works. During the last two days, three students were suspended and without them, the classes have been doing VERY well.
I have other things to say on the subject of work, but I've read too many articles about people being fired/written up for what they post in public blogs and while I'm not committed to going to another district, I would like the option to stay where I am.
Back to the baby!
"What do you mean you were talking about something else??"
I've found that as much as I love her to death, I don't really want to be left alone with her for long periods of time. When she's smiling and looking around, no problem, but as soon as she starts to get upset, my nerves kick in and I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I've been playing with her in the mornings to allow Sara to sleep in a little bit more, but even that I can only do for about 45 minutes to an hour. At that point, I start to get really nervous. I have no idea about what! The feeling has been decreasing as she's been getting older and I think that by the time June comes around and I'm staying home with her full time, it should be gone.
I keep having these irrational fears that I'll be holding her, she'll start to scream, which she rarely does, and all of a sudden, people will come into the room out of nowhere, Sara, her parents, my parents, police, check-out personnel, coworkers, clowns, etc. and tell me what an awful job I'm doing! I know this is insane.
There are no check-out personnel hiding in my closets. In any event, if Sara is in the room, I can do anything! I'm freaking SUPERDAD! Changing diapers, entertaining babies, cleaning vomit and poop from previously undiscovered crevices? No problem! A job for SUPERDAD! As soon as she steps out of the room though, my confidence drops to zero and every single unhappy squawk that comes out of her mouth has me running to find Sara with cries of "I think she's hungry!!"
On top of everything else, I'm still shocked that we're allowed to keep this child. No one is going to be knocking on our door, telling us that the 60 trial period is over and that it's time for us to get back to our normal lives. I don't even remember what that was before Harper. She really the reason for my life and and inspiration for me. She's so amazing and she makes being home such a pleasure. I only wish that more of our friends lived closer so I could show her off more often. I can't wait for slightly nicer weather so we can have another party!
Well, I'm exhausted. I hope you enjoyed reading this and I look forward to any comments that you may want to leave. I do read every comment when I'm not playing with my daughter. How could I not play with her? Look how cute she is!!
"Damn right I'm cute!!"