Another week is starting and it's sort of scary to think that on Saturday, Sara will be at full-term. This baby could be showing up any day now! I'm excited and terrified to think that very soon, I will be responsible for another life. I can barely take care of myself! Why am I being allowed to start this??
I can't wait to meet my child, to look into his/her face and watch as they learn everything for the first time. In terms of physical preparation, we're pretty much ready. The room is set up, the diapers and car seat are purchased and we have some adorable clothes to stick this child in which will only cause minimal lasting psychological damage. (This monkey suit is going to be awesome!)
Mentally, I don't know if I will ever be completely ready. I think that I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
On top of all of this, we are trying to buy a house, our first. We've been looking for a few weeks and put an offer in on one that we really like last weekend. The offer was accepted this morning and I'm suddenly terrified that we made the offer too high. I think that we will be able to afford the monthly payments if we tighten our belts, and the $8000 first time home buyer tax credit will certainly help, but closing costs and down payment are a bit high.
I am tired of renting, but I sort of like the amount that we pay right now. This house would have the benefit of wiping out our savings and doubling our monthly payment for housing, not to mention all of the expenses of moving. We like this house VERY much but I don't want our first year in it to be filled with the stress of trying to make payments. It may be worth it to wait and miss out on the tax credit to make sure we have a house that we love and can afford without pulling my hair out with worry.
I've been thinking much more about this baby, which could be here as early as next week. I want to be able to provide the best for this child. I want it to want for nothing. I know that's unrealistic and I certainly don't want my kid to be spoiled. I see enough of those at work. How can you justify buying a $200 pair of shoes for your kid when you can't even afford groceries? Why is fashion and impressions so much more important than being able to pay the electric bills? I suppose that's a question for another day.
I've been trying to hold back my feelings of jealousy of Sara. I know that she will have a closer bond with our child than I will because she carried it for all of this time, she's felt it grow and she will be taking time off of work in these early days to care for it. I know all of this is necessary and I don't want her to NOT do these things, but I am jealous. I want to be able to take time off from work to be with my child. I wonder if other fathers feel this way? I am also well aware that I will want time away from the crying, diaper changing and all of the other unlovely things that children do in the first few years. I'm sure once that starts, I will be happy to go to work.
I am completely in awe of what she and I are creating together, of the life we are about to build and I am so happy to be doing with with. I can think of no one with whom I would rather go through this experience. Sara is a wonderful wife and will be a wonderful mother. Several people have told me that I will be a wonderful dad, but I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I do know that it is something to which I have looked forward for a long time. I am excited. And scared.