Post-Partum Parting

This is the smiling face that greeted me this morning.  After spending the night on the couch (voluntarily, I swear) in the comforting spring breeze from the open window, I got up with Sara, made her coffee and began organizing my day.  When Harper finally got up, she was happy, giggling and adorable!

It's easy (easier, anyway) to drop her off at daycare when she's upset, crying, screaming, whining, or asleep.  This morning, however, she was super happy and talkative.  When I picked her out of our bed, she was happy and giddy.  When I changed her diaper and clothes, she was chatty and smiling.  She ate well, burped well and was happy to hang out in the car seat while I got her stuff together for daycare.  She talked to me during the entire drive and scowled at me when I dropped her off.

I didn't want to leave her, but sadly, I have students at school who need me (like a fish needs punch in the face from students in an alternative education setting...)

Mornings like this one make me glad that I get to spend the summer with her.

"When is dad coming home?"

In other news, I'm trying to find, or start, a group of dads who can gather for play dates over the summer.  With all the free time that we're going to have, I'd like to spend as much time outside as possible and start meeting other parents of young kids.

Anyone happen to know any dads of young children in the Greensburg area?

"I want some friends!"

Having A Baby Is Like Joining The Navy...

You do it because you want adventure and exciting new experiences, but you end up spending all of your time swabbing the poop deck.  You cannot even imagine the horror I found when I went to change Harper this morning.

As of this past Wednesday, Harper is now 16 weeks old.  There have been remarkable changes and she is growing so quickly and yet still very slowly.  She's responding to stimuli but still not able to sit up, crawl, walk, dance or recite Shakespeare by heart. 

I am constantly baffled by how in love I am with this little girl.  I am much less nervous being alone with her.  She seems to be responding much better to me lately and just entering her line of sight makes her stop crying and start to smile.  I can't think of anything that could warm my heart more than that.

I had a dream two nights ago where Harper was 2.  I came into the room where she was and she jumped up and threw her arms around my neck.  We went for a walk together and, in the style of dreams, she was suddenly slightly taller than I was with long, straight, black hair and a flowing skirt.  We (Sara and I) also had a young son who was about 4 months old. 

Harper had her 4 month appointment this week.  She is currently 12 lbs, 6 oz.  She is a little small in terms of age and length, but she's proportional and within the range where she is supposed to be.  She loves standing up, although she doesn't have the balance to do so on her own.  If you hold her under the arms, or even just by her hands to keep her balanced, she has plenty of strength to do it and she smiles so big when she does.

It is very difficult, however, to catch that smile on film...  When the camera comes out, she looks at it with astonishment and wonder.

What is this thing I'm lookin' at??

I find myself just staring at her pictures throughout the day.  When I have a free moment, I'll open my phone and just flip through them, smiling to myself and wishing desperately that I were home with her.

With the improvement in the weather, she and I have been going for walks.  As of right now, she's not a huge fan of the stroller, but I think it might get better as she starts to sit up more.  Yesterday, I just carried her and we walked down the block.  I told her about the cars and trucks and we said hi to some neighbors.  I am baffled at how well behaved she is and quite thankful.

I'm hoping that she's able to sit up on her own soon because her outfits are super cute and it's difficult to get a good picture when she's scrunched up in a corner.

She moved a bit for this one...

I am still so amazed at how different she looks from just a few months ago.

For some reason, this picture makes me think of Dr. Suess...

I would like to post some more pictures, but the computer where I am sitting right now takes longer to load a picture than (insert analogy for a very long time.)

Am I glad it's Friday?  Yes...

"Hi. My name is Justin and I'm an anxious dad." "Hi, Justin!"

 

Today, Harper is 90 days old.  According to various research that I have heard about, but not actually read, babies begin to laugh around day 90, on average.  We are anxiously awaiting this development.  My beautiful baby already has an amazing smile and shows her excitement and glee to the point where she looks like she might burst.  I hope this will manifest itself into fits of giggling that are too cute to handle.

Socrates believed that the first laugh was the point when the soul entered the body.  Before that laugh, the baby wasn't a person, only an animal.  This is a wonderfully romantic notion because how could someone who never laughs be considered human?  Unfortunately, various research shows that other animals laugh as well.  Mice laugh when they are tickled, so I've heard.

In any event, the last two weeks have been a bit crazy.  Sara had to go back to work last week and she was not happy about that.  Just in time for her to start, we get blasted with 4000 feet of snow.  School was canceled for me all week, which is lucky because the day care center was closed on Wednesday and Thursday.  Harper and I spent the day together on those days and I got a basic preview of what my summer will be.  I am amazed at how stressed out I was.

Harper was wonderful, but my anxiety was astounding.  At the slightest hint of discomfort on her part, I went into a bald panic, running around the house trying to find a remedy.  Was she hungry? Did she need her diaper changed?  Did she need something to look at?  Did she want to be picked up?  Did she want to be put down?  Did she want a nap?  I know that none of these concerns were immediate or life-threatening, but the sense of panic that flowed through me was absurd.  Looking back on it now, I'm not sure what the big deal was, but that doesn't change anything.  At 4:30-5:00 each day, I picked Harper up and walked to our front room, looking out the window and asking "Is that mommy's car?"

I have no problem doing all of these things and taking care of Harper.  Being alone in the house with her makes me VERY nervous and I have no idea why.  Even if Sara is home napping, I don't have any of these issues.  I just sort of need her in the house to let me know that I'm doing an OK job. 

I HATE that I'm like this.  I want to be happy to have a day home with my daughter and not have that happiness be tainted by feeling of fear that I'm going to do something horrendous to emotionally scar her for the rest of her life.  I've even been taking her to day care slightly earlier than I need to because I've finished doing everything I can think of to do with her and I don't want her to start freaking out on my watch. 

Over this past weekend, we think she had some bad gas and wasn't getting enough sleep.  She was more cranky and miserable than she's ever been.  Normally, she's very well tempered and only cries when she's hungry or needs to be changed.  Even then, it's more like fussing than anything else.  She is a wonderful and content baby.  My fears are completely unfounded.  Logically, I know this, much the way I logically knew that my mother-in-law and aunt-in-law were not going to wrestle and tear her in half a few weeks ago, like I feared.

I think I'm doing alright as a father.  I try to be attentive to her needs.  I keep her entertained, fed, dry, warm and loved.

Why can't I be comfortable just being with her?  I sure hope this passes as she gets older.  Maybe it'll be easier to do this stuff alone when she can communicate a little better...

My brother was going to come up and see his niece and, once again, the weather conspired to keep them apart.  This time, he was as close as Johnstown and couldn't make it out.  Over the summer, when I have the time off, I plan to make a road trip to see several people and take Harper on a nice tour of the east coast.

I had a lot more to say in this post, but I can't remember what it was.  Hopefully, I'll be better about updating more often.  I have plenty of free time to do so...

 

 

Thanks to Juliet for the fantastic tye-dyed outfits!

Back to work... ick

Hi, This is Sara. I managed to post as Justin last time and I don't really know how, but I figured I would just say it was me and hopefully I signed in correctly.

So, I have been pretty busy. I have been able to take the full 12 weeks off with the little baby (and man is she cute!!). It has been absolutely fabulous having all this time with her. I have really loved it and I am split on how I feel about going back to work. On one hand I am very excited to get back to a regular routine, see my co-workers and have some money. On the other, I love my baby so much and I don't really want to leave her. It has been so amazing see her go from this helpless tiny little baby to now when she rolls over, lifts her head, looks at me with a giant smile... how could I leave that? I know I have to, but it won't be easy.

We decided on a daycare for her. I looked at a whole bunch of them. We needed to consider the location, price and how we felt about it overall. I think I am a decent judge of character and I definitely felt like I was being schmoozed (sp?) by a few of the people I talked to, so I didn't even bother going to visit their facility. While I was on the phone with one woman, she was yelling at a little person about their spoon... not good business. So the daycare that we decided on is staffed by all women (I just didn't see any men). And they seemed very nice, friendly, interested in Harper, clean etc. She will probably be at the daycare for about 7 hours a day, so it won't be really long, but it will be long for me to be away.

I am worried about all three of us and dealing with this new adjustment. I am worried about myself because I don't want to end up crying all day and I don't think I will, but yeah I might. I am worried about her, because there will be new people around her, and I don't know if they will take as good of care of her as I would? I know I am paying them to take really good care of her, so I know they will, but there is always that bit of doubt. And then I am really worried about Justin. 1) He has some trust issues regarding her and handing her over to someone else... ( he does realize this) and is willing to give her to these people, but I think it will be rough for him. 2) He is going to be the one dropping her off in the morning. The nice lady, Sharon, that runs the place said that when dropping off for the first week it will be tough and I will cry. I can call as many times as I want to. She didn't realize that Justin will be the one dropping Harper off. When I told her this she said, " Oh dear." Justin was going in to visit the facility and meet the caregivers today, so that he would be more comfortable with them. I am just hoping that he will be OK. 3) It's Justin... you hear how he is in his posts, need I say more?

When you read this Justin, remember that I love you and I just want people to know that you are a great father who is very protective and concerned when giving our daughter to strangers. You have a great support group of other parents and friends that have had to do the same thing, so they will listen and sympathize when you post about dropping her off for the first time. It wouldn't be easy for me to do it either.

Another thing I am worried about is her sleeping patterns. I am hoping that she will be able to get to sleep a little better and stay asleep, so that I can sleep. I am trying not to drink too much caffeine later in the day. I will give her a bath, put on warm jammies and nurse her then she falls asleep. Some nights she will stay awake for a long time or wake up a few times. Does anyone have any suggestions for bed-time routines? Or when to put her to bed? I am just looking for helpful hints if you have some.

Well, I think it is time to play with her some, maybe take some pictures... :) I love doing that. I have a very cute subject, so how can I resist?

I Think I Voided The Warranty...

It has been two weeks since my last post.  I know I said I was going to post last week, but some things came up.  Sara's grandmother, Betty Rhodes passed away just after her 80th birthday.  Her decline wasn't sudden or unexpected.  Even though everyone is glad she is no longer suffering, we will miss her a great deal.  She was an amazing woman whose positive attitude was infectious and wonderful.  Even to the last, she never complained about her pain and only expressed concern for her daughters and family.  She will continue to live on in our hearts and minds and shall never be forgotten by those of us who were fortunate enough to know her.

We took Harper with us to the viewing and service on Saturday.  She was amazingly well behaved, barely fussing and making no big deal at the incredible number of people who wanted to coo loudly in her face.  Sara's mom spent a lot of time holding her, which I think was mostly for comfort.  Other than that, Sara and I passed her back and forth most of the day.  At one point, I locked myself in the women's bathroom to change her because they had a large counter and the men's room did not.  I found out afterwards that around the corner, there was a family bathroom complete with changing table and diaper pail.  "You want to date WHO??  How can you do this to me!  I locked myself in the women's bathroom for you!!"  That conversation will go well in 15 years...

Harper is doing extremely well.  She has a rough weekend, what with the interaction of so many people at once, but my mom came to visit and that really helped out.  She's holding herself up further and for longer period of time (Harper, not my mom.)

"Who is this creepy guy next to me??"

She had a doctor's appointment on Monday at which they told Sara that our beautiful little baby is in the 65% range for length and weighs 10lbs 11oz.  Her motor functions are good, she's interacting with people, responding to cues and following people with her eyes.  I noticed at the funeral home that once when Sara was holding her, Harper looked at me from across the room and followed me as I moved.  She's making more intentional sounds now.  While she hasn't slept through the night, she's getting very close.  We put her down between 8 and 10 and she sleeps until about 4, then goes back to sleep until about 8.  During the last week or so, I've been getting up and playing with her before I go to work.  It's a wonderful time for me.

Work: sigh.  Having this amazing baby at home has made going to work even more difficult than it was before.  I am constantly thinking about Harper and wondering what she's doing while I'm walking the halls, telling students to get back to where they are supposed to be.  Every time a student is rude or disrespectful or tells me to "get out of his face" when I am a good 5 feet away, I struggle with the thought "I don't need this crap!  I have a beautiful baby waiting at home who loves and wants nothing more than to be comfy and played with."  Of course, then two other thoughts come crashing in.  The first is that at some point, my beautiful baby will be a teenager with an attitude, although I hope I can instill some values of courtesy and respect before that happens.  The second is that if I wasn't putting up with this crap, I wouldn't be able to put a roof over the head of said beautiful baby.

Every day at work brings different challenges and surprises.  There are dull moments, but every day holds something slightly different than the day before.  I am constantly amazed at classroom dynamics, how the addition or subtraction of one student from a room can drastically change the way that room works.  During the last two days, three students were suspended and without them, the classes have been doing VERY well.

I have other things to say on the subject of work, but I've read too many articles about  people being fired/written up for what they post in public blogs and while I'm not committed to going to another district, I would like the option to stay where I am.

Back to the baby!

"What do you mean you were talking about something else??"

I've found that as much as I love her to death, I don't really want to be left alone with her for long periods of time.  When she's smiling and looking around, no problem, but as soon as she starts to get upset, my nerves kick in and I worry that I'm doing something wrong.  I've been playing with her in the mornings to allow Sara to sleep in a little bit more, but even that I can only do for about 45 minutes to an hour.  At that point, I start to get really nervous.  I have no idea about what!  The feeling has been decreasing as she's been getting older and I think that by the time June comes around and I'm staying home with her full time, it should be gone.

I keep having these irrational fears that I'll be holding her, she'll start to scream, which she rarely does, and all of a sudden, people will come into the room out of nowhere, Sara, her parents, my parents, police, check-out personnel, coworkers, clowns, etc. and tell me what an awful job I'm doing!  I know this is insane.

There are no check-out personnel hiding in my closets.  In any event, if Sara is in the room, I can do anything!  I'm freaking SUPERDAD!  Changing diapers, entertaining babies, cleaning vomit and poop from previously undiscovered crevices?  No problem!  A job for SUPERDAD!  As soon as she steps out of the room though, my confidence drops to zero and every single unhappy squawk that comes out of her mouth has me running to find Sara with cries of "I think she's hungry!!"

On top of everything else, I'm still shocked that we're allowed to keep this child.  No one is going to be knocking on our door, telling us that the 60 trial period is over and that it's time for us to get back to our normal lives.  I don't even remember what that was before Harper.  She really the reason for my life and and inspiration for me.  She's so amazing and she makes being home such a pleasure.  I only wish that more of our friends lived closer so I could show her off more often.  I can't wait for slightly nicer weather so we can have another party!

Well, I'm exhausted.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and I look forward to any comments that you may want to leave.  I do read every comment when I'm not playing with my daughter.  How could I not play with her?  Look how cute she is!!

"Damn right I'm cute!!"

Like Sands Through the Hourglass..

Today, Harper is 8 weeks old.  It is amazing to me how much she has changed over the past weeks.  Her eyes are open and she's alert to her surroundings.  She's been focusing on things and spending more time using her neck and arm muscles.  She's been holding herself up when we put her on her stomach and she's starting to roll over.  She hasn't made it all the way yet, but she's getting there.

I am also amazed at how she has changed our lives.  I know people say that your life will never be the same, but I didn't quite believe them.  I simply cannot remember what it was like to not have a child.  It's been barely 2 months but it seems like she has been with us forever.  I don't even remember ever sleeping through the night...

I think also that my over-protectiveness (is that even a word?) has gotten a little bit out of control.  On the way back from Philadelphia a few weeks ago, we stopped at a rest stop to change Harper.  After doing so, Sara passed her off to me so she could use the facilities.  While standing outside the bathroom, holding Harper, a man walked up and exclaimed on how cute she was.  He was a typical rest stop stranger, with a dirty baseball cap, fatigue jacket, torn jeans, and 6 days worth of stubble.  I politely thanked him and turned around to walk away.  He followed us a few steps and tried to continue the conversation.  With a hand outstretched, he asked how old she was.  My reply, which apparently was back by a hint of fire in my eyes was "Old enough to have boundary issues."

I've also been short with some family members, who will remain nameless, who seem to think that they know more about raising my daughter than I do.  This may be the case, what with them having more children than I currently have.  I recognize that they have experience and certainly have the best interest of my child in mind, but Sara and I need to work things out for ourselves.  Everyone and their mother wants to offer advice and tell us what we should and should not do, when we should and should not feed her, how we should and should not hold her, etc...

While I appreciate their desire to help, advice that is unasked for, is unwanted.  When we want help, world, I promise you, we will ask for it.  There are many things that we don't know and we freely admit that, but there are many things that have come naturally to us and we have figured out on our own.  We are also freely consulting doctors and baby research.  You know, experts, rather than relying on old wives' tales.

To be clear, not everyone has perpetrated these annoyances upon us.  One example, but certainly not the only one, has been my mother.  She has been fantastic through the entire pregnancy, birth and subsequent raising.  She never offers advice unless we ask for it, unless it is prefaced with "Can I make a suggestion?"  Even then, if I say no, she gracefully bows out and lets me figure it out or make my mistakes on my own.

I think part of this is due to the fact that she lives 280 miles from us and doesn't want to detract from our visits.  She is just so happy to see us and spend time with us.  "Us"... Who am I kidding? She's just happy to spend time with her granddaughter.  Another part of it is that she and I talked at length about this exact problem weeks before Harper was born.  I think she really understands my concerns about this particular topic.  I've tried to be less violent in my response with family members than I have with strangers, but my patience is wearing thin.

Again, I want to say that my mom is not alone in this respect.  There have been many people who have been respectful of how we want to raise Harper and I am appreciative of all of them.

In my parental insanity, I have conceived of an invention.  It is a blanket that makes Harper invisible to whomever I don't want looking at her.  I love showing her off, but I am also tired of charging across crowded rooms to scream at strangers that they are unworthy to settle their slack-jawed gazes upon my perfect angel.

On top of all of this, Sara has a meeting with the Methodist Church today to talk about day care for when she has to go back to work.  We're hoping that she can go part time, but if not, this place was the least expensive, coming in at ONLY $160 per week.  I would rather Harper go to a place like Brightside Academy, but they are expensive (almost twice the price) and I know that an educational daycare would be wasted just now.  I am also swallowing the absurd notion that after a single day at Methodist day care, Harper will come home proclaiming her undying love of the Lord, Jesus Christ and still toweling off from her river bank baptism.  These are insane concerns, I know.

It's MUCH to cold to baptize someone in the river...

Another Day, Another Staggeringly Fun Drive To Work In The Snow...

Have I mentioned that my car is not an all-weather car?  My drive to work has been fun, what with the fact that it hasn't stopped snowing in almost 6 days.  My school has had 2-hour delays yesterday and today, but since I work from 11:30-7, it has no effect on my schedule.

Enough about work.  Harper has been getting bigger and more alert every day.  She had an excellent Christmas and New Year's.  My mother threw an open house for us so that the family and close friends in the Philadelphia area could meet my gorgeous daughter.  They agreed with me that she is, in fact, gorgeous.  She was amazingly well behaved and slept through the entire thing.  The few times that she was awake, she was looking around and not screaming.

She received a ton of great gifts, including some super cute outfits,  and some super ugly outfits.  I think the latter were purchased with the idea of "Oh man!  I wonder if we can get them to dress their child like this!"  We also got a gift that came with the disclaimer "This is the coolest gift ever!"  It was the coolest gift ever!  It's a turtle night-light that projects the night sky onto the ceiling in three different colors.  I turn it on and watch it for prolonged periods of time.

Her neck muscles have been getting stronger, encouraged by her desire to look at everything, holding her head as high as possible without it snapping off.  (That only happened once.)  She's been sleeping a bit more and has been a pleasure for me to play with when I get home from work.  Leaving in the morning is still a massive pain.  I am apprehensive of when Sara has to go back to work and I expect that she'll be miserable for the first several weeks.  She seems to really enjoy staying at home with Harper.

I wish I made enough money so that she wouldn't have to go back to work.  Perhaps by the time the next child comes around, I'll have become fed up enough with teaching that I'll have become an engineer and be making $100,000 a year.  What?  A girl can dream...

Harper has been smiling a lot more and is starting to imitate us.  She's becoming a little more regular in her responses to some stimuli, which means that we're repeating the same gestures over and over, trying to make her do something funny.

I'm becoming more convinced that babies are genius scientists from the future who are doing massive sociological experiments on parents.  For example, two days ago, I discovered an amazing combination that left me joyous for hours and left Harper gazing at me indifferently.  For those of you who are familiar with baby jargon, you'll know what a Bumbo is.  Those of you who don't, go look it up on Google.  I put Harper in the Bumbo and had her sit at the table with us during dinner.  I was suddenly struck by the idea to place said Bumbo on a lazy susan.  It fit perfectly and I sat for almost an hour slowly spinning her in circles.  Slow enough to keep her from being dizzy, but quickly enough to provide amusement for me and ever-changing visual stimulus for her.

Between this and my flying her around the house, I think I'll cure her car-sickness (which she doesn't have.)  Call me Dr. Dad!

I'm ready to go home now.  I have 6 more hours before I can.  I can't help but think of all of the cute things that I will miss her doing during that time...